Law of friendships

I got together with some friends of mine recently and a few of them asked how someone in my life was doing. The friend who is the subject of the question is by all accounts someone I have known for decades but have been closer to for a few years now. When the question was asked of me in regards to how my friend was doing, I immediately felt panic and wanted to reply that my friend is okay, but seems to keep making the same mistake over and over in life. The look on my face was somewhat worried like a mother hen worries about her chicks as they roam further and further from the farm.

I had to ask myself why  I am so worried about this one person all the time, when the person I am so busy worrying about does not give one crap about me at all. Kind of a harsh revelation, but all true. I say this because I have given the most undivided, direct, and complete support to this person when they were going through hell in their life while they talked to me like I was trash repeatedly for years. It was brought to my attention that the person I let run over me for years was getting everything he needed from me and I was being bulldozed and made a fool out of constantly. 

Okay to be more specific, The friend used to be able to speak to me any time of day or night freely when all of a sudden it started to be as restrictive as night time or after hours. I thought this was really  weird for a while, but learned to let it go because it just did not seem that important. One day I learned to stop letting this person bully me around and talking down to me and stand up for myself and he did not like that at all! I did not hear from him for months. When I finally did hear from him, it was to tell me that he had someone living in his home and he was in love. I was so happy for him! Then something hit me that no one falls in love in a few months, least of all this guy who was an extremely complex individual with many unresolved issues.So either he has been lying to me for almost a year OR MORE or he is not sure of what he is doing which is why he was selective about it. 

My protective instinct kicked into overdrive and I started asking inquiring questions such as who, what, when, why, and how. Well when I did that it really upset him and he began to get angry and start to bully me again yelling at me to stop in an angry tone, BUT for the first time ever, I was not afraid of him being mad at me. Normally when he is angry with me I get so super quiet, shut down emotionally, or just let him run over me until he is done and he hangs up in my face after he is empty like I am expendable. NOT THIS TIME-

As a matter of fact, I could care less about him being mad at me. Why you ask? Well, I will tell you why. When he was going through the worst time of his life, I was right there holding his hand getting my ass kicked by him day in and day out, morning, noon, and night when ever he felt like it I was right there and never turned my back on him no matter what. I refused to abandon him regardless of how he spoke to me, if he put me down, let me know I was not good enough sometimes, and that I was only there for him to relieve himself and stepped right over me like I did not exist when he was done with his rant or at least that is how it seemed. I spent countless nights in pain watching him suffer and be abused by his ex-girlfriend/sons mother who enjoyed brutalizing him and tortured him for sport; I never left his side and supported him the entire time without question. 

The last argument I had with him was so mentally and physically intense to me that I did not speak for almost a week afterwards. I am not good at voice confrontation so it shuts me down and I have to go silent for a long time to recover.  

Do I regret helping him and being there for him and then being discarded, NO, I don't. WELL, what you have to connect to is that many years ago, I was in a horrible spot in my life, depressed, scared, and isolated in a dangerous way. This same person came along and supported me, took care of me, and stayed with me until he felt I was better. His watchful eye  and exuberant attitude was exactly what I needed at that time to recover from my sad life. He only left after I was in a relationship where he knew I would be cared for by his best friend. Even when he left me he still would write and his presence never left my life as every single person in my life knows who he is even though he has never met them and most likely never will. No less than 10 people ask about him in my life every month NO JOKE and they have never met him, but they know his persona and are jealous they don't have a friend that astonishing. I tell people, don't waste your time looking, you won't find another friend like mine; he is an original! HA HA! Some of my friends try to compete with likeness and I again tell them, please don't waste your time, if I never speak to my friend again in life, he will always be something super special that NONE of you can complete with so please don't try! There will never be another "him" period. You might be new, but you won't be ever "him"! 

In conclusion, I may have handled things wrong by being far too overprotective, chickenheadish, and incredibly attitudinal, but it was just because I care about my friends and don't want them to suffer the pain of something they already survived. What I learned was it simply cannot be avoided and it is better to let people go be happy rather than try to control their direction in life.  Reading someone the riot act can really upset them and give the wrong impression when you really are just trying to support them. 

Is he wasting your time?

Well hello everyone. I was recently ask a question by someone about wasting time in relationships. Two young ladies were both dating men who seem to be dragging their feet and wasting their time. They had a series of questions about what should they do about men in their lives.

The same question was posed to me by a man who was newly married and having problems with his ex-wife.

Question: 

TeeLee how can tell if my guy friend is wasting my time in our relationship? We both seem to want the same thing and we are so compatible. I feel like he is dragging his feet and just using me until something younger and better comes along. When I try to talk about the future he actually says things like "oh well I hope it works out for you". I really like him but we both are getting older and I am tired of waiting for him to see how wonderful I am and love me back. He seems to keep dating all these loser women who just end up wasting his time and making him look like a fool. Why are men like this? 

Answer:

First of all, you identified him as your guy "friend". When you start talking about the future and what you want for yourself and the guy you like congratulates your plans and does not say "we", it means he sees himself moving on totally without you. You are a friend and that is all. Most men don't waste a moment when they want a woman! If he feels he can find someone better than you, it will become blatantly obvious because he will talk to you about women he is dating, and put full effort into finding new women. He will not make romantic plans with you ever and you will continue to be a broken heart waiting in the wind. Also, have you told him how you feel? It sounds like he thinks you are a "friend" and is not aware of your love for him. If you like a male friend you owe it to him to open your mouth and SAY SO! If you don't than how is he supposed to know how you feel? Tell him how you feel, but be ready for the rejection if it comes as well. If you can no longer be friends with him because you have fallen in love, then it may time to end the friendship and stop wasting your own time.

Question:

Teelee my daughters mother is making my life miserable. I moved to California and am newly married. My daughters mother constantly attacks my new wife by trying to pick fights with her over small things that should not seem to matter but they do. i am tired of my daughters mother trying to make my life hell by asking for money over and over again when she already gets child support. she does not spend the child uspport money onour dauther anyway. i no for a fact that she shops and partys all the time with the child support and my daughter does not see a dime of it. i have a new baby on the way and cannot afford to pay my ex all this child support when she is shopping and partying all day.  i am thinking about taking custody of my dauther so i dont have to deal with my ex at all. I feel like dealing with my ex is a total waste of time.

Answer:

Well I did not see a question in there, but I will try to comment anyway. Ex relationships are some of the most difficult relationships to work on. When people break up, get divorced, they hardly see the side of the ex because they are so busy defending themselves. In your situation, I would caution against making statements about child support because unless you have proof the funds are beings mishandles by your ex, you can set yourself up for headache later on. Also, if you cannot afford your current child support payments set by your local jurisdiction, you may want to be very careful stating that when you are making new babies with the new wife; it can give your ex ammunition that you are taking care of your new family and  not wanting to care for your existing obligation. Check with you local area law to see what your rights are in this area to see if your payments can be reduced. If your ex is wanting to argue over everything and not give you a break, it may be time for a mediator to step. Lastly, if you are seeking custody, consider the financial cost of pursuing such extreme actions. Seek mediation if you would like to resolve some issues before the issues become large costly ones. If the child is not at risk of being abused, be careful seeking full custody just because you don't like her mother, you may be causing more harm than good. Seek the help of professionals before making such harsh decisions.

Question:

Hello Miss Teelee! Okay so i am dating a man but i feel like he could be wasting my time. we meet at the bar and sometimes he ignore me and sometimes he don't. When we are along i get his attention but when we are at the bar he seems to run with his friends and other bar flys. i don't know why i love him but i do. he says he is gong to call and then he doesn't sometimes. i think he only calls me when he is bored or when the girl he really wants turns him down. i am sick of him using me but every time he calls me i go running. i decided to ignore him this time and not let him play with my hear anymore. i dont know what to do. he has been married twice and has kids already but i only have one kid and never married. i really want to get married and have a family i love of my own. he says he loves me and always want to be with me but then sometimes i text him and answer me with one word text and i dont hear nothing until days later. it makes me mad and we fight over misunderstanding. it seems he gets away with murder and can do what he want. help what do i do? Teelee i hate to ask your personal business but have u been in this situation before and what u do about it? 

Answer: 

From what you are saying,you meet this man at bars, you feel is wasting your time, he sends one word text, has been married twice (YIKES!), and seems to enjoy the company of barflys. Well lets take a moment to let you think about why on earth you are being bothered with such a disconnected person? Do you feel you are not worthy of a man who really cares about you? Any man who spends time in bars and ignores in your presence is clearly sending you a message that he is a selfish individual who will never give you what you are seeking. Boy oh boy are you wasting time on this one. LOVE? There is no love here, you are his busy action and nothing more. ***** Yes mam been in this situation before and every woman on earth is going through what you are going through right now!! I get this question from women so much that it is impossible to answer every single person. Sometimes honey men contact you because they are just bored and want to feel busy, NOT because they care for you. Many men just want an ego boost and when they get it, you are left to gather your crumbled feelings. There is hope, the second you feel a guy doing this to you put a stop to it right away. A guy who has been married twice, frequents bars, and has a lot children already is not looking for a good woman, he looking for fast ego boost. Don't waste anymore of your time. Do not take his calls anymore, change the bar you go to, get some new friends or hobbies, and for pete sake consider dating someone who is interested in spending time with YOU, not a used up bar flopper. 

Tell Us Your Good Idea - Part III

I-LIKE-SMOKE

Hello teelee, I have been told my many people that I have a drug problem and it really upsets me. I live my life the way I choose and I don’t consider my use of smoking a little to be a problem. I get very offended when people tell me I smoke too much and how much it bothers them. I don’t care how much it bothers other people as long as I am happy. I pay my own bills and all my friends smoke just like me so we are just fine. People on my job tell me they don’t like the smell of smoke on me and I can see them gagging in the elevator and waving invisible fumes out of the way when I walk by. It seems to be some type of running joke that the smell of smoke is just too much to bare with people I work with and people at my apartment complex where I live act so stupid when I come outside smoking. I hate the reaction people give me and I am to the point where I want to start ripping people’s heads off and telling them to kiss my #**& How do I tell my family, people at work, other annoying friends, and other associates to back off without starting a fight and causing more drama? I-LIKE-SMOKE

Well, I-LIKE-SMOKE, first let’s take a more organized approach.

What are you smoking?

Do you smoke before, at, or after work?

How much are you smoking?

Do you clean yourself up after smoking (Shower, shampoo, brush teeth, fresh clothes)?

Are neighbors, coworkers, love interest, friend, or family starting to complain about the habit repeatedly?

How do you feel after you smoke?

Is it a habit you wish to kick one day or are you in it for the long haul?

Are you aware of the potential risk of smoking (Physical, mental, emotional)?

Let’s take a look at these questions first and then we can move forward.

 

What are you smoking?  Cigarettes, cigars, medicinal stuff-legal

Do you smoke before, at, or after work? Yes all 3

How much are you smoking? 2 before work, 3 at work, a few at home, and 1 before bed

Do you clean yourself up after smoking (Shower, shampoo, brush teeth, fresh clothes)? Sometimes

Are neighbors, coworkers, love interest, friend, or family starting to complain about the habit

repeatedly? Yes but I think it is overkill and they are trying to make an example out of me

How do you feel after you smoke? Relaxed and less anxious

Is it a habit you wish to kick one day or are you in it for the long haul? Not quitting unless forced to

Are you aware of the potential risk of smoking (Physical, mental, emotional)? Sure am

Let’s take a look at these questions first and then we can move forward.

 

Baby-b4college

Hello teelee, I got pregnant last week and I am *%# years old. I am not sure if I should like tell my dad or not because I know he will act all grossed out at me and treat me like a loser and stuff. I don’t’ want to hear him going off at me because it gets on my nerves saying like wtf. I don’t bother with even try telling my mom anything because she lives out of state with her new boyfriend and acts like she has a new life. I want to finish school and go on to college but I am not sure if I can do this with a baby. My boyfriend loves me and says we can get married later and he will get a good job and take care of us. I am not sure if I want to tell my dad or not because he just does not understand I don’t want to hear about my future being ruined and stuff cuz I no I will be okay. I can still go to college but I no it will be hard. Shoud I tell my dad?

Baby-b4college

Well okay Baby-b4college, this is nothing to play with. First of all, just by your non-verbal vernacular I can tell you are a texting young lady, a result of our current times. On a more serious note, a parent or guardian should immediately be aware of your circumstances if you are underage and even if you are of age you still want the help and support of the family that cares for you. There is no greater fear in the world than having your child get into trouble and they say nothing to the parent that cares for them. Give your dad a chance rather than pre-judge what you think his response is going to be. As far as the boyfriend, you will soon realize that marriage at a very young age can be a disturbing and rather shocking event to someone in your shoes.

If dad is the one taking care of every aspect of your needs than you absolutely owe him the right to vent how he feels about your situation. Don’t expect for him to receive the news with a wink and a smile when he is looking at possibly supporting a new grandchild as well as you possibly for a very long time. You are not in a position to make any demands and finishing school will definitely be a challenge with a new child and possibly a dramatic young marriage. Statistically speaking, most underage marriages do not work out because of the extremely high emotions of young relationships and the under educated and inexperienced nature of the young people involved. But with perseverance and super focused dedication you can have control over finishing school. Yes, tell dad. Good luck and please take care.

 

I love him but can't tell him

TeeLee, there is this guy who I think is perfect for me. He is so cute and funny and we share so much in common. He is just so cute and he makes me laugh so hard. The only obstacle is that he has a girlfriend that no one can stand. I have known him forever and I daydream about being with him all the time. I know he hates his girlfriend so much and they are just going through the motions in their relationship. How do I get him to break up with her and I do I tell him I love him?

In love in Mississippi

My dear In love in Mississippi, there are yet again, as TeeLee always says, red flags all over the place.

Cute and funny = does not mean compatible

He has a girlfriend = he has to break up with her on his own you cannot make him

Daydreaming about him = means you may not have a life of your own to keep you busy or you are just infatuated with him

No can stand his girlfriend=yet he spends his valuable time loving her, when a man wants out, believe me, a man gets out so somehow is able to stand her just fine

How do you tell him you love him? = there is no safe way, when you feel something for someone you have to take the risk and tell them and they will tell you how they feel. Make sure your heart is ready for any rejection that may occur

Good luck Mississippi!

TeeLee

New York nothin’

New York nothin’

TeeLee, me and my family have a chance to live in sunny Florida because of a job I want to take. I have been married for 17 years and our kids are ages 4, 10, 11, 14, and 16. The job market in Binghamton is drying up and there seems to be nothin' left but garbage. The job in Florida is offering an awesome position working in a nursing home, career advancement, and great pay. I hate to uproot my family after 25 years, but we have to do something to get out of the rut we are in. my husband works but it is just not enough to keep us afloat. He does carpentry work and in the winter time it gets bad. My work is health care but I only make a few dollars above minimum wage and Florida has so many seniors that health care is booming down there. My kids don’t want to move, my husband doesn’t either but we are facing losing everything if we don’t. Please what do I do?

Well New York nothin’, first, take inventory of all of your options in your home state before you trek elsewhere. Meet your family half way by not looking for work so far away from home. New York is much bigger than your town my dear so before you trek all the way down to Florida, consider going a town over and keeping the good vibe your family has still connected in New York. Have you considered the big health care dogs such as Syracuse, Yonkers, Rochester, or even New York City?  Why go all the way down south and risk such a large move if it may not be necessary? There is a ton of help needed in your neck of the woods so please consider this before making such a dramatic move with a big family.

TeeLee